Christy The Writer

Jackie sent me an e-mail forward today urging me to join the ASPCA and “help fight animal cruelty.” I want the record to show that Jackie owns Peanut. This is Peanut. He is, I can only assume, their poster child.

At least once a week, someone in my office burns a bag of microwave popcorn, and I spend the rest of the afternoon feeling like my nose hairs are melting. Who burns microwave popcorn, seriously? Jiffy Pop, okay. I could see that. You’ve got the open flame, the hot foil situation… But this is popcorn [...]

Jeff asked me what kind of wine goes well with Doritos. I don’t know what’s more disturbing: his question, or the fact that I dropped everything to try and figure it out. If society knew what it was doing, there would be sommeliers specializing in snack food. Are you having Doritos? Try a nice chianti. Twinkies? A [...]

All my girlfriends tell me to be grateful Guy puts the seat down at all. But the fact that the seat, and the lid, are made of wood is evidently irrelevant to him. He bangs it down every morning. It’s the last thing he does before he leaves the bathroom to get dressed. Why must [...]

When I tell New Jersey people that I’m from Kansas, I get one of several reactions: 1. Disbelief. (“Seriously? Wow, I didn’t know people were actually from Kansas. I thought that was just a punch line.”) 2. Sympathy. (“So you split when you realized where you were, huh?”) 3. Fascination. (“Whoa! What’s that like? Yellow brick [...]

Confidential to Estelle Getty: Thank you for all the laughs. Sophia will never die.

I just called another driver on the Garden State Parkway ”ass butt.” Evidently I turned into Bart Simpson overnight. Hell damn fart.

Want to know something men just do not understand? This:

Doug, my work-husband, and I are in the middle of a work-spat. He is SO sleeping on the work-couch tonight.

I often cook for my husband and my mother-in-law as well as myself. That wouldn’t be all that complicated but for the fact that my husband has to watch salt, my mother-in-law can’t have much sugar and I am a low-fat girl. So I just decided that from here on out, we’re all eating crayons. With the paper on, because, [...]