Christy The Writer

Confidential to my Jewish friends: L’shona tova! Love, The Shiksa

While looking at a nail polish display this afternoon: Me: “I want something different. I want a totally trashy color. Like this one!” Nikki: “I like that color! That’s not trashy!” Me: “By Kansas standards, it’s trashy. Ooooh, what about this one?” Nikki: “That’s not trashy either! What the hell goes on in Kansas?”

More proof that time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’, into the future: When we were kids, grandpas had names like Elmer and Fred and Walter. Now grandpas are named Steve and Brian and Chris. It’s disturbing. You don’t want to hear someone’s grandpa called by the same name as that guy who felt you up [...]

We had a birthday party for Dr. Dan last weekend – cake, gag gifts, fake nerd glasses, the works. He really hates being the center of attention, the poor thing.

This healthy eating thing is killing me. I’m not perfect, yet people come into my office with the air of someone climbing the guru’s mountain, and ask me questions I can’t answer - like how I fight off my cravings, why I’m okay with using artificial sweetners and what the hell I’m doing with a garden spade in [...]

Why is it, why is it, that the longer and more rambling a person’s voice mail message is, the more likely they are to say their phone number really, really fast at the very end?

Here’s something you haven’t seen in awhile: a chalkboard masterpiece from Dr. Dan! I realize a drawing as fine as this one probably does not need an explanation, but just in case: Dr. Dan is on the left, that’s a judge in the middle and another attorney on the right. And a more striking likeness [...]

I was sitting here at my kitchen table, listening to the kids playing outside, when I heard one of them yell, “Neener neener neener! Yooou can’t get meeeee!” prompting the other one to let out a roar of pure rage. At first I shook my head and smiled, thinking, kids. Then it occurred to me that [...]

So I have adopted yet another animal in need of a home. I’m the Mia Farrow of animals in distress. Buddha the guinea pig is now sharing my organic carrots and snuggling up under my hair. Guy took one look at us and said, “Good God, woman, we have got to get you a baby.”

I was just sitting here at my desk, rubbing one eye, and a co-worker walked past, looked in and said “Rubbing your eye?” WTF? No. It actually fell out - I was just putting it back in.