31
October
Isn’t it irritating when the liquor store has a tiny little step down outside the door? And since you can’t really see it you always forget that it’s there? So when you step out of the door you invariably give a little stumble? And then everyone is all, “Oh, here comes Otis with her big [...]
30
October
I had an hour’s drive home tonight, and halfway through it, the batteries in my cell phone and my Blackberry conked out. Now, keep in mind that I didn’t own either of these devices for the first 35 years of my life, but to be without them for that half hour threw me into a [...]
29
October
When I die, I want to go to the Food Network. It’s such a happy place … a place where a “light” lunch includes mayonnaise, pesto, bacon and cocktails, and where “a little olive oil” is a third of the bottle.
26
October
My sister met David Sedaris last night. She was under strict orders to beg the man to let me have his babies. She says she did, but I’ve had my phone on all day and he still hasn’t called. Frankly I’m beginning to doubt her.
26
October
The fact that I was a weird kid was never more evident than at Halloween. When my friends were picking out their costumes, they chose witches or superheroes or Frankenstein or hobos. I always wanted to dress up as a newspaper reporter. I’d stick a pencil behind my ear and take the lenses out of a pair [...]
24
October
I just spent about nine hours at Wal-Mart. ALL I was looking for was a package of loose-leaf notebook paper. And I couldn’t find any. ANYWHERE. If I’d just been in the market for fourteen thousand little glittery padlocked diaries with Zac Efron on them, though, boy, I’d have been golden.