Christy The Writer

Guy and I just came home from Christmas Eve services at church. The kids put on an adorable Christmas pageant. Shepherds in their long robes, various braying donkeys and bleating sheep, the three wise men bearing their gifts, Joseph, two blonde angels… and in the middle of it all sat Mary, noisily chewing a wad [...]

I was sitting at a stoplight this afternoon when this kid in a Jeep pulled up next to me, blasting some horrible music that everyone within a ten-block radius could hear. I rolled down my window and blasted my music back at her. I realize it would have been a little more effective if it [...]

I was just standing at the stove making myself some oatmeal and I wanted some dried fruit to stir into it, but all I could find in the cupboard were prunes. Now Guy is standing here laughing at me. I wish he wouldn’t get in my way when he knows I’m in a hurry, dang [...]

Me: “Have you ever been to New Jersey?” Brad: “Nope.” Me: “You guys should come for a visit!” Brad: “I don’t think so.” Me: “You should! You know what you’d love about Jersey?” Brad: “Leaving?”

I was leaving the supermarket just now and the guy whose job it is, whose JOB IT IS to bring in shopping carts from the parking lot, yelled at the Salvation Army bell ringer for trying to talk to him, shouting, “I’m REALLY busy right now, this holiday is STRESSING me OUT.”

There’s one week left ’til Christmas And in all the areas of my life Not one single thing is finished. I am one very sorry wife. The light strings are all tangled up In one big messy heap I could go buy some new ones, But I’m just way too cheap. There are garlands on [...]

Two weeks before Christmas and it’s mother-grabbin’ cold here right now, but no snow.  To me, wishing for snow is kind of like going to McDonald’s. I never ask for french fries, but then I stand there and kind of hope they’ll screw up and give me the french fries anyway.

“Espresso” does NOT, nor HAS it ever, nor WILL it ever, have an “X” in it. If you are one of those to whom this is news, please make a note of it because you people are just bugging the hell out of me.

I feel so bad for people who don’t drink. What do they blame their bad behavior and stupid decisions on?

I heard yesterday that my ex-husband got fired from California Pizza Kitchen for “insubordination.” I wish someone could explain to me why I find that hilarious. And sad. But mostly hilarious.