To my unconceived child on Mother’s Day

Posted by on May 8, 2011 in Christy Writes | 7 comments

My darling child,

Today is Mother’s Day, and while I smile and wish all the mothers around me a happy day, my heart aches. I am still waiting to hold you, still waiting to feel your little fist close around my finger, still waiting to smell that soft sweetness at the top of your head, still waiting to feel your breathing as I cuddle you close to me, still looking forward to you coming into the house with a wilty bunch of dandelions you carefully selected just for me.

I don’t know why I am still waiting, why it has been so many years without you. I have a CD of lullabies that I bought long ago, when the dreams of motherhood were newly vivid in my mind, when I was sure that any time I would be seeing that dark line on the stick. That CD, those lullabies, are tucked away, in the bottom of a drawer, alongside books with relentlessly cheery titles like “How to Have a Happy, Healthy Pregnancy!” They mean well, those books, but now they just seem, well, mean.

Every month that goes by is not only another month without you, but another month closer to the end of the dream. I’m getting older, and every year after 40 means more lectures from the doctors peppered with words like “high risk” and “advanced maternal age” and “amniocentesis.” What they don’t understand is that my heart doesn’t know how old I am. My heart and my eggs don’t even speak. My heart is as young and hopeful as it was when I was a new bride. My heart knows that I want you as much, if not more, than I ever did.

And you are wanted, my little love. Every time I hear about another young girl who discards her baby in the girls’ bathroom at the prom, every time another baby is found in a dumpster, I can’t stop my tears. I will never understand why these females are given babies that they throw out like garbage while my arms are empty.

Everywhere I’ve looked for a month, I’ve been bombarded with Mother’s Day messages. Every woman on the street seems to be sporting a baby bump or pushing a stroller. They make it look easy. So easy that I grew up thinking that when I was ready to start a family, I’d just get pregnant. Bing! Just like that. Even now, my friends go from childless couples to families with the attitude of “Hey, look what we got! Who knew?” It’s easy for them. It’s a struggle for me.

Well-meaning friends tell me I should adopt. Or try various artificial methods of conceiving. My favorites are the ones who give a little laugh and say, “Oh just relax and it’ll happen.” I wish they knew how damaging that is. If “just relaxing” was all it took, I’d be a mom ten times over by now.

My friends all say they have the answers. My doctors all say they don’t. But I haven’t given up. Not for a moment. You are out there, my little love, waiting to come to me. You may already be born and looking for your forever home, you may still be tucked away inside my body, waiting for the rest of you. But I never have, and never will, feel like less of a mother because I’ve not yet held you.

Happy Mother’s Day, my darling child. The very hope of you makes me a mother.

Love,
Mommy

7 Comments

  1. Christy, this is beautiful. When you get the chance you will be an excellent mother and that child will be extremely lucky.

  2. Absolutely beautiful. Love you, and still pray for you to have this.

    Jen

  3. beautiful. Sending love your way.

  4. Christy you will be an amazing mother. God has a special plan for you. Love and hugs.

  5. I agree, you are a mother. I can’t wait until your dream comes true!! It will be fantastic.

  6. I’m sitting in my cubicle trying to hide my sniffles with the sound of rustling paperwork while trying to dry my eyes without smearing eyeliner across my face. You touched me today. I just saw my heart in black and white on my computer screen. Thank you for sharing yours. May we both understand, realize and accept God’s plan for us whatever that may be. Happy Mother’s Day!

  7. The whole Advanced Maternal Age label can be a downer, but truthfully, if you have an OB/GYN with a wonderful bedside manner, the label that we more mature females find distateful will ensure you receive the same treatment as one would expect as the owner of an American-Express-Black-possession-by-special-invitation-only-credit card.

    I’m sure that people have told you to temp, eat right, watch your weight, receive accupuncture (actually a good idea)treatments and the like, but you simply need to chart your body signs. The book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler has the most comprehensive explanation of where, when, why and what to do when your doctor won’t listen to you. Trust your body; it tells you what you need to know. Get the book, get a basal thermometer, get a short nail manicure (you’ll read why) and get on the path to fertility awareness.

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